Why Monkey Temples are a BAD Idea

If you travel around Asia, you're going to eventually come in contact with monkey temples. These are temples in the forest where the locals revere the local monkey population, keep it well feed and general look after the monkeys. Often, the locals see the monkeys are holding the spirits of the ancestors. That's all well and good, but monkey temples are a REALLY bad idea.


If you look at any tour brochure in Bali, they will suggest you go for a trip to the monkey temple, monkey forest or monkey cave. The Balinese, they love their monkeys. Sure, the monkeys look cute and cuddly in the brochure, but they're not. They vicious, savage furry lunatics! They should be thought of as rats with big hands.

The first thing you need to do is take off and hide anything that isn't strapped to your body. That includes hats, glasses and occasionally necklaces. The monkeys love bright shiny things and think that they need them much more than you do. If they see something nice, they'll just on top of you, rip it off and run away. That is seriously NOT fun. I saw this happen to some people in Bali and it was very traumatic to all involved.

Feeding monkeys is also a no no. Well, let me rephrase that. Habitualising monkeys that people equal food is a really bad idea. If you're lucky, the cute little monkey will take your banana, make a funny little monkey sound and scamper off. If you're unlucky and have no food, the monkey will get cross. He'll assume the food is on your head and climb up to get it. Monkeys climbing on you for food is NOT a good thing.


I got to the stage in Bali, that I carried around an emergency supply of peanuts. If a particularly mean monkey started towards me with a hungry look in its eyes, I quickly threw the nut in one direction and ran in the opposite. You have to run, because monkeys know that if you have one nut, you probably have 2 as well!

Another problem with these hairy terrors is that they just sit around the place. You have to be super careful not to accidentally stand on one of them. You don't want to be on the wrong end of an angry monkey!


My suggestion is that all visitors to monkey temples should be given guns. If the monkey doesn't know if it's going to be fed, or shot, it makes the whole experience more fun for both the visitor and the monkey. :-)

Monkeys also smell, piss on you and can have rabies and like to bite! Avoid these little bastards whenever you can!